Why did the chicken cross the road? 19th December, 08
BARACK OBAMA: The chicken crossed the road because it was time for change! The chicken wanted change!
SARAH PALIN: Where’s my shotgun?
JOHN MCCAIN: My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.
HILLARY CLINTON: When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure right from Day One that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn’t about me.
GEORGE W. BUSH: We don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.
DICK CHENEY: Where’s my shotgun?
COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.
BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken. What is your definition of chicken?
AL GORE: I invented the chicken.
JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken’s intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.
AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.
DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won’t realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he’s acting by not taking on his current problems before adding new problems.
OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I’m going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.
ANDERSON COOPER, CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.
NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he’s guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.
PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.
BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2008, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken2008. This new platform is much more stable and will never reboot.
ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?
COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?
Difference Between Men & Women 12th December, 08
- A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn’t want.
- A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
- A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
- To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot & love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot & not try to understand her at all.
- Married men live longer than single men – but married men are a lot more willing to die.
- Any married man should forget his mistakes – there’s no use in two people remembering the same thing.
- Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
- A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t. A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change & she does.
- A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
- There are 2 times when a man doesn’t understand a woman – before marriage & after marriage.
SCHOOL — 1958 vs. 2008 11th December, 08
Scenario: Jack goes quail hunting before school, pulls into school parking lot with shotgun in gun rack.
1958 – Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack’s shotgun, goes to his car and gets his shotgun to show Jack.
2008 – School goes into lock down, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counsellors called in for traumatized students and teachers.
Scenario:Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.
1958 – Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.
2008 – Police called, SWAT team arrives, arrests Johnny and Mark. Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it
Scenario: Jeffrey won’t be still in class, disrupts other students.
1958 – Jeffrey sent to office and given a good paddling by the Principal. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.
2008 – Jeffrey given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie Tested for ADD. School gets extra money from state because Jeffrey has a disability.
Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his neighbor’s car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.
1958 – Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.
2008 – Billy’s dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster care and joins a gang. State psychologist tells Billy’s sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy’s mom has affair with psychologist.
Scenario:Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.
1958 – Mark shares aspirin with Principal out on the smoking dock.
2008 – Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug violations. Car searched for drugs and weapons.
Scenario: Pedro fails high school English.
1958 – Pedro goes to summer school, passes English and goes to college.
2008 – Pedro’s cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against state school system
and Pedro’s English teacher. English banned from core curriculum. Pedro given diploma anyway but ends up
mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.
Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from 4th of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle, blows up a red ant bed.
1958 – Ants die.
2008- BATF, Home land Security, FBI called. Johnny charged with domestic terrorism, FBI investigates parents, siblings removed from home, computers confiscated, Johnny’s Dad goes on a terror watch list
and is never allowed to fly again.
Scenario: Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary hugs him to comfort him.
1958 – In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.
2008 – Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in State Prison.
Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.
Halloween Joke 30th November, 07
An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the
last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset.
Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the
latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed
with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain
rational.
In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the
bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.
A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He
started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to
get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a
tangled pile at his feet.
As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the
sheets, a hospital security guard, (barely containing his (laughter),
and who had watched the whole incident, walked up and asked, “What the
heck is going on here?”
The drunk, still staring down replied: “I think I just beat the shit
out of a ghost.”
Happy Halloween!
Beer contains female hormones 30th November, 07
Last month, the National University of Lesotho scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.
Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption.
The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.
Beer contains female hormones.
To test the theory, 100 men drank 8 pints of beer each within a 1 hour period.
It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects:
- Argued over nothing.
- Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
- Gained weight.
- Talked excessively without making sense.
- Became overly emotional.
- Couldn’t drive.
- Failed to think rationally.
- Had to sit down while urinating.
No further testing was considered necessary.
How to Place New Employees Properly 11th October, 07
- Put 400 bricks in a closed room.
- Put your new employees in the room and close the door.
- Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours.
- Then analyze the situation:
- If they are counting the bricks, put them in the Accounting
department. - If they are recounting the bricks, put them in Audit.
- If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks, put them in
Engineering. - If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order, put them in
Planning. - If they are throwing the bricks at each other, put them in
Operations. - If they are sleeping, put them in Security
- If they have broken the bricks into pieces, put them in Information
Technology. - If they are sitting idle, put them in Human Resources.
- If they say they have tried different combinations, they are looking
for more, yet not a brick has been moved, put them in Sales. - If they have already left for the day, put them in Marketing.
- If they are staring out of the window, put them in Strategic
Planning. - If they are talking to each other, and not a single brick has been
moved, congratulate them and put them in Top Management. - If they have surrounded themselves with bricks in such a way that
they can neither be seen nor heard from, put them in Government
Top Four Adult Jokes – 2006 23rd September, 07
fourth place
A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast.
They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, “Ma’am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you’ll forgive me.”
She replies, “If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I’m in room 221.”
Third Place
One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife’s arm.
The wife turns over and says “I’m sorry honey, I’ve got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.” The husband, rejected, turns over.
A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.
“Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?”
Runner Up
Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion.
He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
“What’s wrong, Bill?” she asked.
“Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?”
“Oh, Bill, you didn’t” she exclaimed.
“Yes, I did.” he replied.
“My God, Bill, what happened?”
“I got fired.”
“No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?”
“Oh…she got fired too.”
Winner
A couple had been married for 50 years.
They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, “Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.”
“I know,” the old man said. “We were probably sitting
here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago.”
“Well,” Granny snickered. “Let’s relive some old times.”
Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. “You know, honey,” the little old lady breathlessly replied, “My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.”
“I wouldn’t be surprised,” replied Gramps.
“One’s in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal.”
Simulated Minesweeper Video 22nd September, 07
KABOOM!
These guys did an amazing job re-enacting what the classic PC game, minesweeper would be like in real life.
5 Most Recent Posts
-
Why did the chicken cross the road? 19th December, 08
-
Difference Between Men & Women 12th December, 08
-
SCHOOL — 1958 vs. 2008 11th December, 08
-
The Newfoundland Fisherman 18th December, 07
-
Halloween Joke 30th November, 07
